The above picture was taken in Yellowstone National Park in spring of 2017.

Just a question.  Can a “normal” person truly understand what it’s like to be monumentally single thought minded.  And, those single thoughts moving from one to the next to the next without the ability to control it.  Add to that substantial difficulties with memory and remembering things.  I’m reminded of an actor in the movie “50 First Dates” and he was referred to as “10 second Ted”.  You have to see the movie.  Having said this, can a person imagine the problems this can create/cause.  The disappointment and discouragement when trying to be intimate with significant other, knowing you can’t do anything about where your mind is going.  Then not being able to remember your child’s first steps, yet you were the only one there to witness it.  I feel like my mind is stuck in time, a time before the accident.  Everything since then has flown by, some of which I remember but most I do not.  It’s so easy, so very easy, to fall into substantial depression.  On top of that you may not even know it.  Self awareness is a common problem for those who have sustained a traumatic brain injury.  Add to this having to live in a 2 dimensional world (look through an old view master and close one eye).  Just some of the things I struggle with.  

Enough of the depressing things.  

My teenager (senior in high school) made it on the 3.0 and higher list, and isn’t the first time.  I’m very proud of them, knowing it was a lot of work.  The senior year is being done online and at home.  A decision was made to do that as a result of the teacher strike that occurred in Clark County Washington, delaying the start of the school year by over a week.  

Well, fishing is still on hold for me, since the weather is a bit cold and definitely wet.  I do have a couple of martial arts friends who are still hard core when it comes to fishing and they get out there regardless of weather, and manage to do very well.  I used to be a bit more hardcore when it comes to fishing but as I age I’m finding myself less inclined to brave the weather.  Perhaps if I could fish in small streams this time of year, then I would get a bit more excited about going.  Sitting on a bank waiting for the fish is, and has always been, a bit difficult for me.  Would much rather walk a stream and drop a line where I think the fish are.  In the past I’ve had much better luck fishing that way.  

The picture is of the Cedar Creek Grist Mill, located in Clark County, Washington.

Tuesday, Oct. 9, 2018

Recently, I watched a movie titled “Remember Sunday” and really enjoyed it.  Felt I could really relate to the main character and his troubles.  Not quite sure I could explain this to someone else though.  Don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone who might decide to watch it, so will not say any more about it.  

I had yet another appointment with my doctor regarding the medicine for ADHD.  She had no answers as to why the medicine isn’t working as expected.  So, she just upped the dosage, hoping for even a slight improvement.  Seems that’s the answer most often.  The medicine for depression that I take also isn’t working.  I’ve thought about upping that myself, as I have some left that are lower mg than what I take each day.  Instead, if I can remember, I’ll message the doctor and ask about it.  Must admit, it is very difficult to be patient when taking medicine, and then an increased dosage, waiting, increasing dosage again, waiting, etc.  It’s also very expensive.  

A couple months ago or so I decided to check out a local brain injury support group.  Turns out the group was for brain injury and also stroke victims/survivors.  Most of those in attendance were people that had had a stroke.  It took a couple of times attending the meeting before I decided there wasn’t much I could contribute to the meeting or those attending.  So, stopped going.  A bunch of years ago there was a more meaningful group meeting that occurred once each month.  This group was only for those with brain injury and you had to apply to attend.  One of the main requirements was you had to be self sustaining, and of course a survivor of traumatic brain injury.  The facilitator was  a survivor who had to take early retirement due to the injury.  He had a PhD in physics and the retirement hit him pretty hard.  This group I enjoyed, as I felt I could participate and contribute more.  Sadly, the group has disbanded and no longer meets, and there are no other groups like it.  At least not in this geographical area.  

Some self observation…  This is nearly impossible to try and explain so that others will understand.  I’ve been living with a traumatic brain injury(and right eye blindness) for over 37 years.  It started 5 days after I turned 21 years of age.  I feel, in some respects, like I’m stuck at that point in life, with stronger and more memorable memories of that time of my life (the years prior to the TBI) than I have over the 37 years since then.  My memory of the years before the TBI are more vivid than any memories of my 17 year old daughters life.  This is a bit depressing.  No memory of when my daughter took her first steps, and I was with her when it happened(as just one example).  It would be interesting to hear a neuropsychologist try and explain this.  

The above pictures were taking at Universal Studios Orlando.  Both are of Hogwarts, from the Harry Potter series, for those unfamiliar with the story.  The second picture is part of their closing night show.

So far the attempt to medically treat my ADHD has been a failure.  I’ve not noticed any difference, even after doubling the dosage.  Ran out of the medicine about a month before my next appointment so thought I’d go with it, or without it as is the case.  The medicine is very expensive.  It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I stopped taking it and have not noticed any difference or change.  This I will mention at my next appointment.  This is also rather disappointing.  Not sure what will be next.  Early on I had told my doctor and the nurse practitioner that my body has a very high tolerance to medications.  I’m also taking medicine for depression, and that doesn’t seem to be doing much good.  Think my body has adjusted, or gotten used, to the medicine and things are about the same now as before I began taking it.  One more thing to mention at my next appointment.  A bunch of years ago I went through this same song and dance routine with my very painful head pain.  With several different doctors and in 3 different states, and finally found one that gave me something that actually helped.  In any case, this trial and error, while probably necessary, is exhausting and very expensive, and does try my patience.  Each doctor has copies of my records and can see what I’ve tried in the past but they insist on trying medicines again, only for them to continue to not help.  Thankfully, times have changed and doctors, however not all, are beginning to listen to their patients more.  I’ve thought about forgetting the entire idea of pursuing help with this but have been encouraged to keep at it.  So, that’s what I’ll do, for now.  

On the subject of fishing…. The season is over for the fishing that I enjoy participating in.  That being fishing the small mountain streams, as opposed to bank fishing at a lake or any other large body of water.  At this point I’m not sure if I’ll be making many, if any, fishing trips to any of the lakes in the area.  So, likely won’t have much to add regarding fishing until the season opens next spring.  

The above picture is of Cinderella's Castle in Magic Kingdom,  Disney World, and during their closing show.

Well, the first attempt to deal with my ADHD medically didn’t work, so trying again by doubling the dosage.  Will give that a month an see how it goes.  

My Social Security saga continues, with some progress, but in a waiting state now.  It took them two weeks to acknowledge I have an attorney representing me.  I’m happy there at least has been some forward movement.  This has put me in a position where a decision will have to be made, in regards to my job search (been unemployed for 18 months now) and Social Security.  Basically it boils down to either continuing to look for work or wait for the chance I may be able to get Social Security Disability.  I’ve struggled with this decision for some time now and put unnecessary and unhealthy stress upon myself in the process.  Sought opinions from those that know me well and/or have known me for a very long time.  Considered those opinions, along with my own, and have decided to wait for the possibility of receiving SSDI.  At the same time I will continue to watch for potential jobs just in case a very good one comes along.  Must admit it is very hard to just stop looking for work when that has occupied my days for what seems like a very long time.  

Recently I had the pleasure of visiting with a brother and his family.  While they were in town we drove to see some new sights they’ve not seen before.  Also took our dad out for a nice meal for his birthday, and had cake at his place afterwards.  All in all it was a nice visit and look forward to the next one.  Of course the visit allows them to see and hopefully understand the troubles I have and how those troubles are changing as I age.  This isn’t something I can see or tell, as self awareness is a problem for TBI survivors, but am hopeful my other family members can tell and recognize any changes.  

No fishing trips since the last time I went.  After four trips with not so much as a bite I found myself too discouraged to continue to go each week or every other week.  Plus, I’m there alone and that tends to be just a little boring.  Would read a book but that too tends to be a challenge….reading the same page over and over again or going back a few pages just to get the gist of the story.  The wind, blowing at a good clip most of the time, would cause problems with reading a book too.  I’m not fond of the electronic readers, such as a nook or kindle.  Much prefer to have an actual book in my hands.  The e-readers are also problematic with my head pain.  

The above picture was taken about 10 to 12 years ago, perhaps more.  The tree is a Banyan tree and they are native to India.  This one is located on the grounds of Thomas Edison’s winter home/estate in Ft. Myers, Florida. 

This week I have had my 2^nd experience with Social Security and wasn’t any better than my 1^st experience.  The first turned out to be a lot of nothing, with no results.  Then yesterday, Thursday, I tried calling them and the on-hold wait time was 55 minutes.  So, I waited and waited and finally spoke to a person.  Answered a lot of questions for verification purposes and turns out my current address didn’t match what their system showed, and they said I would need to go to the local office to get it straightened out.   I checked online and found the location and hours of the local office.  This morning I made it to the local office just minutes after they opened for the day.  The line to get into the building extended all the way to the corner of the block.  There was security near the doors and letting 6 people in at a time.  Guess the elevators won’t hold more than 6 (?).  I waited again and finally made it into the elevator.  Didn’t have to select a floor as all but one person was going to the floor where Social Security was located.  Once in the room I needed to be in I had to stand in yet another line, one that ran nearly all around the exterior of the room.  Each person has to sign in using a touchscreen monitor and get a printed ticket/number.  They had just one touchscreen monitor in the room.  Again, I waited and in line until my turn to sign in.  Sadly, the touchscreen (in plain sight) required each person to key in their social security number.  When I had my number, I found a place to sit, and waited another 2 ½ hours before my number was called.  Finally, went to the designated/numbered booth/desk/person.  Provided my ID and explained the situation.  The employee looked up my information and told me the address they had for me.  Turns out it wasn’t an address I’ve lived at, or an address that I’ve even been to.  Asked if I should be concerned about this (identity theft came to mind) and the response was “I honestly don’t know”.  The employee corrected my address and gave me some paperwork and I was done.  All that waiting and for about 10 minutes of actual face time.  All I can say is its typical government. Just wish I had eaten breakfast before leaving.  

The picture if of one of my favorite fishing grounds.  Located in the mountains in Idaho.  Seems to never disappoint.  This is the North Fork of the Boise River.  Fish & Game does plant trout in the river but can still find native trout as well.

Well, here it is 12:15am and I’m up dealing with a bad case of restless leg syndrome.  Yes, RLS is another wonderful part of life I have the displeasure of dealing with.  I would say yay for modern medicine, and normally that would be the case, however, tonight it isn’t helping.  Even tried doubling up on the med.  Also tried a RLS cream and some melatonin but no luck.  My last-ditch effort is a nice stiff drink.  Actually it’s 7-Up mixed with a little huckleberry vodka.  If this doesn’t work then it looks like I’ll be up pacing for most of the night.  Oh, I figured I may as well get some writing done while I’m up and sipping my drink. 

Yesterday I attended a new support group consisting of those who have suffered a stroke mixed with survivors of traumatic brain injury.  Had found most attending are those who have suffered a stroke.  This was a bit disappointing.  The group meets at a local hospital not far from where I live, so would have been convenient.  Needless to say, I wasn’t comfortable and felt there wasn’t anything useful to me or anything I could contribute to the group.  So, it’s doubtful I’ll return to that group.  There is another group, just for survivors of TBI, that meets at a different hospital several miles away.  Had attended that group meeting once and found the facilitator is pretty good.  The group was very small, at least at the meeting I made it to.  There’s a good chance I’ll try that one again, and it meets twice each month. 

Still haven’t made it fishing again.  Found myself a little reluctant after 4 trips with no fish caught.  At the same time, I have decided to have new fishing line put on both fishing reels I use.  It is recommended this be done each year.  So, I’ll get that done and then consider where I want to try fishing next.  There are a few other supplies I want to get as well (bobbers, more powerbait, etc.).  Thankfully, I can get all that done at the same store/location.   When I have all this done I’ll check the Fish & Game website for the locations where they’ve planted fish recently and go from there.  

The above picture is the back of a humpback whale, a small one.   We saw this whale in Depot Bay, Oregon, and he/she was fairly content with staying in this area next to the coastline.  This is about as much as I could get in a picture, not knowing where the whale would surface.  Never did see where the mother was but hopefully not too far off. 

It has been almost 10 days since I started on the new med for ADHD and depression, and so far I’ve not noticed any benefit.  Pretty sure it has negatively affected my medicine for restless leg syndrome as well as what I take for head pain.  Will be discussing this with the prescribing physician during my next scheduled appointment.  The prescription is to last 30 days and to the time of my next appointment.  Since I’m presently not working I’ll give it the full 30 days to see if there is any benefit.  It is also possible my level of patience has lessened too.  Before my next appointment I’ll have my wife note any possible changes she has noticed and pass that along to the doctor. 

Yesterday I had my 58^th birthday and it was a wonderful day.  My daughter was kind enough to cook pancakes for me for breakfast.  The prior day she took me to see the movie Black Panther.  We both enjoyed the movie a lot.  The pancakes were very tasty.  The gift from them both was surprising and very nice.  Won’t go into any details however. 

On the subject of traumatic brain injury….  Over the past year, if I remember correctly, I’ve discovered the problem with being self-aware of things, including myself.  Could say I’ve become aware of the problem of lacking self-awareness.   A neuropsychological evaluation showed this as well.  Knowing the problem exists helps understand things a bit more, but only a bit.  In my case, and what the evaluation showed, was a bad case of depression, and ADHD(secondary to the brain injury).  Of course, I was not aware of this.  My thought was this is just how life is and accepted it.  Apparently, this self-awareness issue is characteristic of damage to the frontal lobe/s of the brain.  The primary damage I have is to the right frontal lobe.  Must admit it’s a little annoying knowing I may have to rely on others to tell me things that I’m incapable of being aware of myself, and about me.  Don’t know if this new medicine will help with that or not.  Oh well, as they say, life goes on. 

This is Buddy.  He's a mix of black lab and australian shepherd.  Gotta wonder about him sometimes.  Hind end on one step and front half on upper step, perfectly content while enjoying a soup bone.  He loves to chase that white tipped tail.  The picture was taken about a year ago.  Buddy is a little over 2 years old now, and 75 pounds.

This week I've started taking a new medicine that is supposed to help with depression and ADHD.  Will take at least a week for the medicine to take full effect, so the jury is still out.  

Last week I attended a new TBI support group meeting.  Has been many years since I've been to one (about 12 years, I think).  After the facilitator started I found this group is mostly for those with injuries within the past 10 years (mine was 37 years ago as of this April 18th).  Stuck out the meeting and found I was able to contribute some to an individual who is trying to help his sister, who suffered a TBI.  Just a couple days ago I received a sort of welcome packet from the Washington TBI Resource Manager (the facilitator of the support group meeting) that contains a lot of very good and useful information.  Most of it I am familiar with but was some new material as well.  

A year ago, this past March 31st (2017) I accepted an early retirement offer from my employer, one that included a generous severance package.  Had worked for the  company for 23 1/2 years.  Since that time, a year now, I've been looking for work.  Sort of the next chapter of my life, as far as work is concerned.  The search has been a bit more difficult than I had thought it would.  I'm also trying to be very particular and trying to find a job that will be a good fit for me.  Have engaged help from Vocational Rehabilitation, for the first time in my life, and they've hired a job search company for me to assist in finding the right job.  Met with them yesterday and have a couple of possibilities to look into.  A third potential candidate is working with the TSA.  I've applied to the TSA and tomorrow will take the CBT test they require.  Finding I'm a bit anxious about the CBT and hoping I can do well.  

The weather here in the Pacific Northwest continues to be rainy and mildly cold,s o haven't been able to talk myself in going fishing.  The last 3 or 4 trips have been less than fruitful, but that's the chance one takes when bank fishing.  I'm a huge fan of mountain stream fishing, and with my friend who lives in Boise.  With stream fishing you have a better chance of determining where the fish are, instead of waiting for them to find my bait.  It's also better exercise, walking/hiking up/down a stream all while fishing along the way.  Or, hiking in to a better part of the stream or river.  

Decided to try learning to blog and see how it goes.  Please bear with me.   A little background so readers will better understand how I write.  I've been living with a traumatic brain injury, and right optic atrophy, for nearly 37 years.  Also have ADD/ADHD, which I'm working on.  Having said all that, my passion is fishing in the mountains and outdoor photography.  Hopefully it will be easy to include pictures in this blog.  Most of what I hope to blog about is my daily life with a brain injury, as well as an occasional fishing adventure.

The above picture is the sunrise over the Sea of Galilee, Israel.  Took the picture from hotel window in Tiberius.