The above picture is one of the hummingbirds that hangs around all winter.  We keep sugar water out for them and some old outdoor Christmas lights under the feeder to keep it from freezing.  

Thursday, January 28, 2021

It appears as though my blogging entries have been very lax lately, as it has been nearly a year since my last entry.  And, boy, what a year it has been.  The year 2020 is one that most people would rather forget.  COVID-19 is all that needs to be said, however, I will write more anyway.  Note:  as with other blog entries, this entry will likely take me several days to finish.   Since it’s 3:15am, I’ll not get far with my typing.  Instead, it will be a start and then back to bed to try and get more sleep.  I’ve spent quite a lot of time going through pictures in hopes of finding one to include with this blog entry.  So far, I’ve not had much luck.   A lot of the pictures that I have taken over the years were taken with a film camera, so it will be necessary to go through the negatives.  Once I find what I’m looking for I’ll scan the negative, converting it to a jpeg, and then add it at the beginning of this blog entry.  

Preparations are all set and completed for the trip to Kansas in May, when we’ll have a grave site for my dad, and bury his ashes near his mother.  Folks/relatives will be traveling from Washington, Idaho, Utah, Colorado, Georgia, Florida, and of course those who live in Kansas.  Most of us will be staying in Kansas, mostly in Salina, to visit.  This will likely be the last time,  for quite some time, when my brother’s and I, and our mother and her brother, will all be in the same place at the same time.  I’m hoping, but is doubtful, my aunt Julie and uncle Richard, from Colorado, will stay a few days to visit.  My wife gets all the credit for making the arrangements for her and I, as well as our 19 year old daughter.  

The COVID lockdown continue, and most businesses have employees working from home.  Fast food establishments are all take-out or delivery only.  The libraries are closed.  So, I have no place where I can go and sit and write in my journal.  Prefer not to do the writing at home.  Just too many interruptions and/or distractions.  It’s sad, to think how many lives, families, etc., have been ruined because of the lockdown.   Millions lost their jobs and remain unemployed, and others even became homeless.  Our State government appears not to care, as they got and get all they want.  There’s talk of a stimulus, but it will be too little and too late for most.  I’m thankful my wife and I are doing ok, and that should continue unless the government messes it up.  In my opinion, it would have been better if the lockdown didn’t happen, and instead let the general public decide what they wanted to do.  There are several vaccines out now, from a variety of different pharmaceutical companies, and folks are anxious and lining up to get what ever vaccine they can get.  Myself, I’m not interested.  The virus has a 99% recovery rate, nationwide, so I’ll take my chances.  Now there is talk about the virus mutating, and in more than one or two different sub-virus’.  Well, the vaccines were developed, and came out, before the mutations, so just how effective can they be?  Since the vaccines are changing, or messing with, our mRNA, then what if at some time in the future something goes south and begins to cause equal or worse problems, since the vaccines have not been tested with time?  Do the pharmaceutical companies have a way to back out the mRNA changes?  I’ll bet not.  The other thing I consider is, all the the pharmaceutical companies have been positioned such that none are liable for any adverse affects from the vaccines.  That alone should tell people something.  Oh well, these are just my thoughts and opinions.   I am ready for the libraries to open up, as I like to go there with my morning hot tea and sit and write in my journal I keep for my daughter.  At this point I’m not sure how long it will be before the libraries open up, if ever.  

The above picture is Coldwater Lake, located near Mount St. Helen's.   The lake is appropriately named, as the water is extremely cold. 

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Looks like it has been a while since my last blog entry.  So, figured I’d try and type one.  However, it may take me several days to get it done.  First, to answer some potential questions, my back is doing well since the surgery and physical therapy.  I’ve not yet tried to start my lawn mower though, and must admit I’m a little hesitant to try.  That was the one thing the surgeon did not want me to try doing.  At least not until the surgery was done and physical therapy too.  It’s the pulling and twisting motion, at the same time, that may be the problem.  Sadly, my lawn is in desperate need of mowing.  It’s simply going to be something I have to try doing.  

TBI… My daily headaches continue, and thankfully the medication I have does help a little.  The medication basically helps to stop the pain from worsening.  It doesn’t go away.  My doctor is being more and more hesitant to prescribe the medication for me too.  This concerns me quite a lot, but I do understand the position he is in.  Part of the problem is all the media coverage regarding opioids.  I guess the medication I take falls under the opioid umbrella.  Unfortunately, it’s the only mediation that helps with the pain.  During my annual visit to my doctor, he made a comment saying most people try getting off the medication.  My thought, although I didn’t voice it, was conditions most people have aren’t permanent.  Mine is.  I’ve been taking this medication now for over 20 years.  The doctor, as well as myself, keep very close tabs on how much I’m taking, and the doctor will only give me a certain number to last me 28 days.  I find I have to go through sort of a balancing act, so I can avoid falling into what is called rebound headaches, which are worse than those I experience.  And, even worse than that is ‘brain freeze’ from drinking any kind of frozen drink to quickly.  When that happens I literally can’t move.  The pain is that bad and debilitating.  I have tried the other forms of opioids and they didn’t help me at all.  The cognitive and neurological issues/problems continue and the same as they always have.  So, no change there.  

I continue to go to the shooting range, from time to time.  Sadly, I can’t take my daughter, as she is working full-time now and typically doesn’t want to go on the weekends.  The last trip I made I took a new handgun of a different caliber than my others, as well as one that I’ve had for about a year now.  Fired off about 150 rounds between the two pistols.  By the time I decided to stop, my target wasn’t very impressive.  Felt I was shooting all over the place.  Most of the shots actually were in a scoring area.  There was something I wanted to run by the range officer, since they are trained and qualified instructors and more experienced around here than I am, and that’s basically how difficult it is to get a conceal carry license/permit for the State of Oregon.  I have the application for it all filled out, but for the dates, but haven’t submitted it to the Sheriff’s Office.  The reason I’d like to have it is because I have to drive through Oregon any time I travel to Boise, Idaho, and it would be nice to take a firearm or two with me.  The State of Oregon reciprocity doesn’t recognize conceal-carry permits from the State of Washington, sadly.  If I can get the Oregon permit/license, and have both OR and WA, then between the two the reciprocity will cover most of the country.  

Fishing… The season hasn’t opened up to the mountain streams and some rivers yet.  Just too early in the year yet.  And, I just can’t get motivated to go out and sit in the cold at a lake or reservoir.  Especially if the wind is blowing.  Plus,my luck last year just wasn’t worth the time I spent trying.  So, for the time being, my fishing escapades are on hold.  

     TBI?  For many years I’ve noticed people look at me different than they do others, or look longer and more carefully.  I suspect this is due to my slightly misaligned eyes, and upon closer inspection or look, the scars on my forehead.  There are times I wonder if it would be easier or more satisfying if I were to simply explain things.  I do understand their looks and I likely would do the same.  My daily head pain continues, and typically begins early in the mornings.  Not expecting that to change, since it’s been that way for 38 years.   I’ve found any time I have pain in any part of my body, it will make its way to my head and contribute to my severe head pain.  My latest experience with this is a herniated disc in my lumbar area (between L4 and L5).  Over the course of a few months I had x-rays done, two MRI’s, different medications, physical therapy, and seeing a chiropractor.  Ended up requiring surgery (discectomy).  Just seems like a lot to go through to get to the solution that seemed obvious from the first MRI.  The pain, all through those months, was not only in my lower back but also terrible pain in my right calf, and of course that made my head pain all that much worse.  The surgery has eliminated the leg pain and most of the back pain.  I do still experience some back pain during and after physical therapy, but expect that will lessen as I strengthen the supporting muscles.  

     Over the past couple of months I’ve been going to the shooting range, from time to time.  At first it was a little strange, and likely looks a little strange to others.  The first strange part, that takes a little getting used to, is shooting a pistol right handed and using my left eye.  It takes a little time to find the stance that feels right.  I have tried shooting left handed, using my left eye, and found my accuracy just isn’t nearly as good as when I shoot right handed.  The part that may cause others to wonder is my shooting a rifle left handed, yet the rifle is a right handed one.  And the rifle is semi-automatic, so is ejecting spent brass straight across my face and to my right.  Had one person, a long time ago, ask me “doesn’t that bother you”.  My answer was “no, since I can’t see the spent brass ejecting the rifle.”.  Guess that made sense, as there were no further questions.  Now, I do have one semi-automatic handgun, a 9mm I think, that will eject the spent brass directly at my face.  That can, at times, be an issue.  It happens so quickly that it’s easy to recover from it.  

     Fishing?  Well, it is summertime now and fishing season, for the most part, is open.  I’ve not gotten my fishing license yet this year and probably should.  Just in case.  The trouble I’m having this year is finding someone to go fishing with me.  It isn’t the best idea to go fishing alone.  Just too many things that can happen or go wrong.  I do carry a sidearm when I go fishing now.  Sort of just in case, and I do have a conceal-carry permit. 

The above picture was taken at the Naples Botanical Gardens in Naples,, Florida.  Glass sculptures.

Time for a new post.  Well, guess it could be past time, all depending upon your perspective.  I’ve been trying to think of things to add but having a difficult time.  TBI survivors are all different.  Well, separate from TBI, I’ve been dealing with back pain.  Nearly a year ago I was carrying a basket of clothes and set the basket down.  At that point I could hardly stand back up or straighten up.  There was so much pain that when I did straighten out I was unable to walk.  My steps could be measured in inches.  Had never experienced anything like it before.  I went in and saw my doctor and he gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxer.  Started taking that but found it really didn’t help much at all.  Basically things very slowly began to get better, and over time the pain went away.  Then a short time later I was adjusting myself in the seat of my pickup when it happened again.  This occurrence was not quite as painful as the first, and the recovery time was shorter as well.  After some time later I tried picking up a 40lb bag of pellets (for pellet stove) from the garage floor, and admittedly did it wrong, and the problem happened again.  This time though, it was much worse.  I’ve never in my life had to deal with that degree of pain, to the point of screaming when trying to get up out of a recliner.  Thankfully, no one was home but me.  My dog just backed up a little, not knowing what to think or do.  Aside from the severity of this pain, the worst pain I experience is my head pain and especially when I’m dumb enough to get brain freeze.  Wow!, that is unbelievable.  Well, the pain coming from my back, extending down to my right back cheek, down to my calf.  The pain in my calf took the longest to ease up and hurt as much as my back did in the beginning.  The calf pain was to the point where I decided to use a cane when trying to walk.  Got a message to my doctor and he gave me the same useless muscle relaxer meds.  After that, at his direction, I tried 2 weeks of physical therapy, and that didn’t help either.  Finally ordered an MRI and the results showed a herniated disc around the L4 and L5 area.  Eventually I saw an orthopedic doctor/surgeon and he told me there is no permanent fix for it.  The doctor preferred to not do surgery, since the pain has nearly disappeared, and gave me a prescription for a med that affects the nerves.  Sort of a nerve relaxer and something typically given to people with epilepsy.  I’m not to take it unless the problem happens again.  Well, since there is no permanent fix then it’s only a matter of time.  What I was hoping for is a suggestion to perform what is called a Lumbar Microdiscectomy, where the surgeon goes in and shaves off whatever is putting pressure on a nerve, which typically relieves the pain almost immediately.  It’s a fairly non-invasive procedure.  Well, there was no suggestion but the doctor did mention it.  So, at this point I can try the medicine when it happens again or perhaps find a different doctor/surgeon.  Now, I don’t know about other TBI survivors, but for me any time I experience pain in any part of my body it will contribute to my daily head pain.  I am glad the pain has for the most part gone away.  

Now, with the above in mind, how much does a person risk doing?  Obviously, trying to lift the 40lb bags of pellets is not advisable.  How can I determine what I can or should do and what I shouldn’t, other than just doing it and see if the problem happens yet again?  

Some time ago I messaged a neurosurgeon, via Facebook, and asked about the problem I have with exercising and to the point where my heart rate increases.  You see, when that happens the pain in my head also increases, and at times substantially.  The neurosurgeon suggested blood pressure may be the issue.  Well, that made sense.  Some time later I went on blood pressure medicine to lower my blood pressure so as to be able and safer to go on medicine for depression and ADHD.  I found that even though my blood pressure was lower, and definitely in the normal range, but didn’t help with the problem when exercising.  So, for the time being I’ve tabled trying to pursue a solution for this.  My exercise will be restricted to walking.  At least for now.  

The above picture was taken in Yellowstone National Park in spring of 2017.

Just a question.  Can a “normal” person truly understand what it’s like to be monumentally single thought minded.  And, those single thoughts moving from one to the next to the next without the ability to control it.  Add to that substantial difficulties with memory and remembering things.  I’m reminded of an actor in the movie “50 First Dates” and he was referred to as “10 second Ted”.  You have to see the movie.  Having said this, can a person imagine the problems this can create/cause.  The disappointment and discouragement when trying to be intimate with significant other, knowing you can’t do anything about where your mind is going.  Then not being able to remember your child’s first steps, yet you were the only one there to witness it.  I feel like my mind is stuck in time, a time before the accident.  Everything since then has flown by, some of which I remember but most I do not.  It’s so easy, so very easy, to fall into substantial depression.  On top of that you may not even know it.  Self awareness is a common problem for those who have sustained a traumatic brain injury.  Add to this having to live in a 2 dimensional world (look through an old view master and close one eye).  Just some of the things I struggle with.  

Enough of the depressing things.  

My teenager (senior in high school) made it on the 3.0 and higher list, and isn’t the first time.  I’m very proud of them, knowing it was a lot of work.  The senior year is being done online and at home.  A decision was made to do that as a result of the teacher strike that occurred in Clark County Washington, delaying the start of the school year by over a week.  

Well, fishing is still on hold for me, since the weather is a bit cold and definitely wet.  I do have a couple of martial arts friends who are still hard core when it comes to fishing and they get out there regardless of weather, and manage to do very well.  I used to be a bit more hardcore when it comes to fishing but as I age I’m finding myself less inclined to brave the weather.  Perhaps if I could fish in small streams this time of year, then I would get a bit more excited about going.  Sitting on a bank waiting for the fish is, and has always been, a bit difficult for me.  Would much rather walk a stream and drop a line where I think the fish are.  In the past I’ve had much better luck fishing that way.  

The picture is of the Cedar Creek Grist Mill, located in Clark County, Washington.

Tuesday, Oct. 9, 2018

Recently, I watched a movie titled “Remember Sunday” and really enjoyed it.  Felt I could really relate to the main character and his troubles.  Not quite sure I could explain this to someone else though.  Don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone who might decide to watch it, so will not say any more about it.  

I had yet another appointment with my doctor regarding the medicine for ADHD.  She had no answers as to why the medicine isn’t working as expected.  So, she just upped the dosage, hoping for even a slight improvement.  Seems that’s the answer most often.  The medicine for depression that I take also isn’t working.  I’ve thought about upping that myself, as I have some left that are lower mg than what I take each day.  Instead, if I can remember, I’ll message the doctor and ask about it.  Must admit, it is very difficult to be patient when taking medicine, and then an increased dosage, waiting, increasing dosage again, waiting, etc.  It’s also very expensive.  

A couple months ago or so I decided to check out a local brain injury support group.  Turns out the group was for brain injury and also stroke victims/survivors.  Most of those in attendance were people that had had a stroke.  It took a couple of times attending the meeting before I decided there wasn’t much I could contribute to the meeting or those attending.  So, stopped going.  A bunch of years ago there was a more meaningful group meeting that occurred once each month.  This group was only for those with brain injury and you had to apply to attend.  One of the main requirements was you had to be self sustaining, and of course a survivor of traumatic brain injury.  The facilitator was  a survivor who had to take early retirement due to the injury.  He had a PhD in physics and the retirement hit him pretty hard.  This group I enjoyed, as I felt I could participate and contribute more.  Sadly, the group has disbanded and no longer meets, and there are no other groups like it.  At least not in this geographical area.  

Some self observation…  This is nearly impossible to try and explain so that others will understand.  I’ve been living with a traumatic brain injury(and right eye blindness) for over 37 years.  It started 5 days after I turned 21 years of age.  I feel, in some respects, like I’m stuck at that point in life, with stronger and more memorable memories of that time of my life (the years prior to the TBI) than I have over the 37 years since then.  My memory of the years before the TBI are more vivid than any memories of my 17 year old daughters life.  This is a bit depressing.  No memory of when my daughter took her first steps, and I was with her when it happened(as just one example).  It would be interesting to hear a neuropsychologist try and explain this.  

The above pictures were taking at Universal Studios Orlando.  Both are of Hogwarts, from the Harry Potter series, for those unfamiliar with the story.  The second picture is part of their closing night show.

So far the attempt to medically treat my ADHD has been a failure.  I’ve not noticed any difference, even after doubling the dosage.  Ran out of the medicine about a month before my next appointment so thought I’d go with it, or without it as is the case.  The medicine is very expensive.  It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I stopped taking it and have not noticed any difference or change.  This I will mention at my next appointment.  This is also rather disappointing.  Not sure what will be next.  Early on I had told my doctor and the nurse practitioner that my body has a very high tolerance to medications.  I’m also taking medicine for depression, and that doesn’t seem to be doing much good.  Think my body has adjusted, or gotten used, to the medicine and things are about the same now as before I began taking it.  One more thing to mention at my next appointment.  A bunch of years ago I went through this same song and dance routine with my very painful head pain.  With several different doctors and in 3 different states, and finally found one that gave me something that actually helped.  In any case, this trial and error, while probably necessary, is exhausting and very expensive, and does try my patience.  Each doctor has copies of my records and can see what I’ve tried in the past but they insist on trying medicines again, only for them to continue to not help.  Thankfully, times have changed and doctors, however not all, are beginning to listen to their patients more.  I’ve thought about forgetting the entire idea of pursuing help with this but have been encouraged to keep at it.  So, that’s what I’ll do, for now.  

On the subject of fishing…. The season is over for the fishing that I enjoy participating in.  That being fishing the small mountain streams, as opposed to bank fishing at a lake or any other large body of water.  At this point I’m not sure if I’ll be making many, if any, fishing trips to any of the lakes in the area.  So, likely won’t have much to add regarding fishing until the season opens next spring.